days like these i feel like killing myself. i mean, i dont feel like i have a goal in life anymore. just sitting here and wasting precious money. i feel like a useless wreck.

i feel so down right now. my head is like spinning like mad. i cant think straight. i can do anything right anymore. i miss her so badly. its been months since i've seen her and i want to see her so badly. i just miss her. her presence is so ... i dont know. she just makes me shine whenever shes around. shes just different from the rest. even though she did what she did in the past, i still love her. i still ... need her. her bad habits, priorities, lifestyle and such im willing to overcome. but its just too late now. i really dont know what to do anymore. somehow i cant take care of myself the way i did before. ever since i met her, my life changed. it changed to the extend that it made me think. i never really thought deep in my whole life and now i have, now i am.

its just really hard feeling this way everyday. i cant sleep, i always think about her day and night, and its just unbearable. i have to force myself to be tired every night so that i can fall straight into sleep without thinking. it has its pros and cons. the pros are that i can sleep and not think but the cons are that i would be very damn tired the next day. its just so hard for me to go on like this.

i somehow feel something is missing in my life. this empty hole that left me. this empty feeling thats in me. she is the puzzle that makes me whole. before meeting her, i was a big mess. just like when you first open a box of puzzles. ive been trying to fix this puzzle of mine but there is just one piece left i just cant find. when i met her, it was like i finally found the missing piece. she made me whole. she really did. now she being gone, im missing that piece and wanting it back. but this time, i really have to live with the fact that the missing piece will remain missing.

i give up.

rick.